It's time for our annual guest blog post by the gentlemen at One Bronco Nation Under God. If you're not familiar with the OBNUG blog bet, the winning team's blogger gets a guest post on the losing team's blog. Once again the winning blogger was OBNUG and the loser was, well us. However, when it comes to guest posts by OBNUG, there are no losers (unless you have no sense of humor). So, without further ado (and because when we commit to something we actually go through with it, unlike a couple of people in Reno and Fresno), here is the OBNUG guest post.
Scene: Fourth quarter of the Boise State and New Mexico State game. WAC TV announcers Guy Haberman and Dick Tomey with the broadcast.
Tomey: … and that’s how I ended up with four fingers on my left hand and the nickname Nubbers.
Haberman: We’re joined now in the booth by some special guests. From Boise State: quarterback Kellen Moore and tight end Kyle Efaw. And because he’s on the WAC’s email list: OBNUG.
Moore: Hi there.
Efaw: How’s it going?
OBNUG: I was told there’d be soft pretzels.
Tomey: This guy has a blog. It’s a blog with a lot of potential. It does some good things every now and then, like that one feature …
Tomey: … anagram rosters. I love those. Anagrams are very underrated.
Haberman: Well thanks for joining us, guys. We wanted to get you up here to ask you some questions, help us with some play-by-play, and just hang out for a bit. Sound good?
Moore: You bet.
Efaw: Sure thing.
OBNUG: Are these pens complimentary?
Haberman: First and 10 for the Broncos at the New Mexico State 45. Joe Southwick takes the snap, hands off to Jarvis Hodge for a gain of nine. Kellen, what did you see there?
Moore: The defense was in a 4-3 strong look, heavy left, so that creates some easy leverage blocks on the right side of the formation and a quick pickup of nine. Southwick had a nice audible on that play, although the intonation of his voice makes me believe that he lacks the self-confidence that a two-parent home normally provides. Hodge hit the hole hard, but if you notice the way he runs on the outside of his feet, that’s a warning sign for scoliosis. He should get that checked by a physician. Good blocking by Brenel Myers and Chuck Hayes who are direct descendants of George Washington Carver and Shaft, respectively. And a nice late fill by New Mexico State safety Donyae Coleman. He’s going to die on April 14, 2059.
Tomey: That was a gain of nine!
Haberman turns to Efaw.
Haberman: So Kyle, that was a great touchdown catch you had earlier today. Sensational grab and run.
Efaw: My teammates do all the catching and running for me. I was really nothing more than a decoy on that play.
Haberman: But you caught the touchdown.
Efaw: Technically maybe. But I don’t necessarily see it that way.
Tomey: The thing I like about this kid is that goatee. Lots of potential with that goatee. I like the way his Norelco beard and mustache trimmer is handling that.
Boise State runs its next play.
Haberman: Back to the action, Southwick hands to Hodge again. Runs over a defender –
Moore: Poor form on that tackle by Jonte Green, but he has a lot on his mind what with his just finding out he was adopted.
Haberman: – he could take this one all the way. Touchdown, Bron-
Tomey: Touchdown Broncos. That’s a touchdown run. Broncos.
Haberman: Boise State takes a commanding 58 to –
Tomey: End zone.
Haberman: - a commanding 58-0 lead. Kyle, why don’t you break that play down for us?
Efaw: I’d like to let OBNUG do it, thanks.
OBNUG: OK, let me diagram this for you on the telestrator.
Accidentally draws horse farting on telestrator.
OBNUG: Now, what you have here is –
Tomey: Oregon only had one first down in the first half against Boise State last year.
Haberman: Let’s go down to Lauren Mickler with a report on New Mexico State head coach DeWayne Walker. Lauren?
Lauren: Thanks, Guy. New Mexico State coach DeWayne Walker is the head coach of New Mexico State and he is losing 58-0 right now. I think we have tape of Walker’s reaction to that last touchdown.
Tape of Live! With Regis and Kelly plays.
Lauren: OK, this isn’t it. Um, looks like what we have here is Regis arguing with Kelly about whether or not the top was still spinning at the end of Inception. And the whole audience just received juicing machines. Juicing machines, Guy. Hang on, I’m being texted.
Haberman: Thanks for that report, Lauren. While we were away, Boise State scored twice and part of the field spontaneously combusted into flames. Footage of either is not available.
Tomey: Fire has done some nice things over the course of history. I’d give it a B, B-plus on the scale of elements. When I was at San Jose State, I tried to make a cheesy pita once.
Fans empty onto the field to get autographs from Boise State players. The New Mexico State Aggie mascot picks a fight with Buster Bronco. Tanner Rust quits football completely.
Haberman: Things are getting weird down on the field. Looks like all this losing has caused Aggie fans to lose their minds. Look out, there goes the Dip’n’dots station.
Moore: Guy, it looks like the fans have thrown their cowbells into the fire and are making a golden calf idol to worship.
Efaw: It has the head of Chase Holbrook!
OBNUG: And he’s eating a Six Dollar Burger!
Tomey: You’ve got to like what the Six Dollar Burger does with an onion. You have to respect that.
Tracey: Hi guys, an update on that Regis and Kelly giveaway. It was not a juicer. It was a box set of Sex and the City. Back to you.
Haberman: WAC commissioner Karl Benson has just parachuted into the stadium, and it looks like he’s holding signed contracts from University of Texas San Antonio and Colorado School of Mines. The fans have named him their leader and are making sacrifices to him with nachos, game programs, LG Chocolate phones, and travel-sized shampoo.
OBNUG: Hehe, you said poo.
Haberman: This is really getting out of hand.
Tomey: Things are really getting out of hand here. Just thought I’d point that out.
Kellen Moore grabs the public address system.
Moore: People of Las Cruces, listen to me. This is no way to behave. Yes, Boise State is beating you badly, but pagan religion is not the answer. I am very disappointed in all of you. You need to build yourselves back up with some strong local recruiting, a monetary commitment to facility upgrades, and long-term support of a single coach and system.
Hal Mumme enters.
Mumme: Like the Air Raid!
Hal Mumme leaves.
Moore: DeWayne Walker, stay the course, focus on getting some wins in conference play, and start Andrew Manley immediately. Aggie fans, find joy in the small things and continue to offer your support through ticket sales and positive thinking. Karl Benson, put your shirt back on. Drunk man riding the golden calf of Chase Holbrook, it’s not too late to make something of yourself; try one of the 21 career opportunities provided by ITT Tech. Coed girl making out with Boise State TE Sean King, your body is not an object; you will find someone who loves you for you. Guy in the pizza costume, way to keep it real. And for everyone else, get back in your seats, give the Aggie mascot his chaps back, and let’s enjoy these final two minutes of football.
Haberman: Oh, I forgot to mention. The clock ran out while Tomey was muttering about the Six Dollar Burger.
Moore: OK then. Drive home safely, everyone. Use public transportation to reduce your carbon footprint.
OBNUG: This is so going in my blog!
Tomey: This guy has a blog!
The WAC TV broadcast ends, and Kellen Moore, Kyle Efaw, OBNUG, and the Boise State football team return to Boise. Guy Haberman and Dick Tomey look forward to seeing them again in two weeks against San Jose State.